Hey look! It's a Fairy Tale... sorta

This story is very silly, but I find it amusing so... here it is. Also I apologize for any mistakes, I am quite tired and not responsible for any spelling/grammar errors that may appear.



Once upon a time there was a handsome prince, he was so handsome that his wicked stepfather locked him away in the lowest dungeon of an abandoned castle beside a mountain. The prince was waiting for his brave princess to come and rescue him.


He waited, and waited, and waited, unbeknownst to him his rescuer was getting closer everyday.



Serenity strode through the halls of her father’s castle, anger rather evident in her expression. Her pet frog was perched on her shoulder and would give the odd croak of alarm when he was jostled by his rather anxious owner.

“I can’t believe him Columbus, sending me out on a quest for a prince. Doesn’t he know it should be the other way around?” Columbus put his one of his webbed feet on her head with a sympathetic ribbit. She sighed when she finally got to her room and sat down on the edge of her magnificent four-poster bed.

“Ah, well I guess there’s no way around it. We’ll just get packed and leave right away.” Columbus hopped off her shoulder and watched as she start to pack her bag, “It’ll be nice to get out of this castle though. I won’t have to learn how to dance or sew, I’ll wake up when I want, eat when I want, travel when I want.” She smiled and held her hand out for Columbus to jump on, “Come on then froggy, we’re about to go save a prince.”



She was already sick of this crazy adventure and she was barely two steps out of the castle walls. Almost the minute she had stepped out it had stared raining. Hard. Serenity was soaked to the bone and irritable in a span of thirty seconds, whereas Columbus was croaking excitedly as the rain poured down around them. With a sigh she started walking on the muddy path, trying to ignore how uncomfortably her wet dress rubbed against her.

“You’d think the richest kingdom within a hundred miles would be able to supply their princess with a horse.” Columbus squeaked fearfully as she patted him, “I know you don’t like them, but you have to admit they are extraordinarily useful creatures.” Columbus didn’t seem convinced about this, and went back to examining the wet woods around them.

After a good couple hours they were well into the dripping woods as Serenity chatted to her little green frog. The rain had long since stopped and the sun had peered out of its cushiony bed to shine down on the little droplets of water scattered haphazardly across vibrant green foliage. They weren’t able to enjoy the sight for long before a rather startling, booming voice echoed around them.

“A girl conversing with a frog, I’ve seen it all now.” Deep laughter filled Serenity’s ears and Columbus cowered underneath her long black hair, very much afraid of the unknown phantom.

“Who’s there?” she was proud at how brave she sounded.

“Who do you think would be in a forest, girl?” The voice was rough and dry, as if it belonged to someone who had seen many and more winters.

“Show yourself!” she cried, her voice shrill from fear as the realization dawned on her that someone could see her, but she couldn’t see them. She felt herself tremble. So much for the bravery she couldn’t help but think wryly.

“I’m right in front of you.” This confused Serenity and she looked dead ahead, but all she saw was a huge old oak tree that looked rather weathered.

“What?” she murmured, another chuckle seemed to originate from the tree… almost as if… “Oh for the love of…” Deep brown eyes appeared on the trunk of the tree as she trailed off.

“Yes I am talking to you.” It said, answering her unspoken question with a dry bark… she smirked inwardly at her pun.

“You think me conversing with a frog is bad? You’re a talking tree. A tree, T-R-E-E, you’re not supposed to speak at all.” Columbus threw in a ribbit of agreement from his hiding place underneath her hair.

“Well I do, so it’d be in your best interests to get over it.” Serenity cast the tree a strange glance, and it just rolled its deep brown eyes, “Anyway what are you doing here, Princess Serenity of Lorin Castle?” Serenity wasn’t too surprised he knew who she was, her “How to Deal with Magical Creatures of Various Shapes and Sizes,” teacher always told her to expect mystical creatures to be all-knowing.

“Going to rescue a handsome prince so my dad will stop bothering me about getting a man.” She responded nonchalantly, also remembering from her aforementioned teacher that it was best to keep a cool demeanor when dealing with a Magical Creature.

“Isn’t it normally the other way around?” She rolled her blue eyes.

“Try telling him that.” The oak pondered on this for a moment before speaking again.

“Do you know where your prince is?” she shrugged.

“I dunno, I’m just sort of going where the wind takes me.” The tree seemed to nod its branches knowingly as it swayed in an idle breeze.

“Easiest way to get lost. I’m going to help you out of the goodness of my heart, Princess” she wisely did not tell him that it was anatomically impossible for a tree to have a heart and listened with a patient, grateful expression, “Here’s where you go: keep walking in the direction you were headed until you come across a fork in the road, take the left path, then keep going until you find a stream, follow the stream’s flow, and eventually you’ll notice six dwarves dressed in green most likely worshipping one of their books of wisdom, they’ll give you directions to the abandoned castle. Just know if you go too far you’ll meet my cousin, the angry river, you don’t want to do that.”

“Won’t the dwarves stop me from going too far?” The tree rattled its branches in a shrugging motion.

“Depends. So farewell Princess, I look forward to meeting your prince next time you come by.” She waved and started walking again, Columbus peered cautiously out from under her hair, before he was convinced that he was safe, then hopped onto her head. She sighed and reached up to pet him, unable to repress a smile at his happy ribbiting.

“Looks like we have a long walk ahead of us Columbus, old pal.”



To her surprise it took a total of ten minutes to find the six dwarves and just like the tree said they were indeed worshipping their book. She watched the reverent scene for a minute before interrupting.

“Excuse me?” The dwarves looked up and before she knew it she was surrounded by several rather angry looking, smaller-than-the-average-human creatures.

“What’re you doing here girl? And why’s there a frog on your head?” One of them demanded, showing off a rather impressive collection of snaggle teeth in a menacing grin. She remained unfazed, as she channeled all her previous classes. Dwarves were testy, and the only way she would get answers was if she was polite with them.

“The talking tree sent me here and told me you might know where the abandoned castle that’s holding my prince is?” Gruff, amused laughs rose in answer to her.

“A princess rescuing a prince, we’ve heard it all now!” Serenity hoisted the nearest dwarf in the air by his collar, courtesy forgotten rather quickly.

“Listen, shorty, tell me where he is right now and I won’t sick my frog on you.” The dwarf sneered up at the cute little green frog.

“What’s he going to do?”

“Don’t let his appearance fool you sir, he eats dwarves for breakfast with his tea.” Columbus’s tongue shot out and pulled in a fly in mid-flight. He then hopped down and started snuffling the dwarf’s dirty, brown hair with interest. The dwarf crossed his arms, rather impressively dignified for someone whose feet were dangling in the air.

“The directions are in the Book of Wisdom.” She grinned.

“Now was that so hard?” He just snorted and she just put him down as Columbus hopped back onto her shoulder. She took a step toward the thin, unimpressive, brown book wondering if such a small object could hold such immense knowledge. As she was reaching for the book she bumped into something and looked down at the line of dwarves suddenly in front of her.

“You can’t touch the Almighty book.” The lead dwarf said, his nose in the air as if he was ten feet tall, not three. Serenity raised an eyebrow, then remembered her, “Dwarf Outsmarting,” classes from back at the castle and shouted in a frightened voice.

“Look a green speckled dragon!” With shouts of fear the dwarves dove for the bushes in a spectacular display of athletic ability for ones so stocky. Serenity didn’t waste time in grabbing the book and running for the edge of the clearing. Columbus hung on desperately as she jumped over a cowering dwarf, showing off her own athletic prowess.

After some minutes later, she slowed to a sedate walk and opened the book. The princess quickly skimmed the first page disinterestedly, muttering through the words with an alacrity that had Columbus croaking in protest.

“This book was made with the customer in mind. If any problems should occur while in use please write the makers of the Book of Wisdom, Version 2.0. For possible side effects of the Book of Wisdom turn the page… blah blah blah, copyright, trademark all that....” Serenity turned the page and surveyed some quite elaborate handwriting on the right-hand page, before continuing her rapid read through of the book.

“Side effects of overdosage of knowledge include: heartburn, headaches, dizziness, fever, amnesia, cardiac arrest from shock, finding yourself living all alone with thirty cats because you lost all of your friends because you were an unbearable git, delirium, confusion, and possibly death. Turn the page for instructions.” She frowned and examined the other page, it was just more copyright. Serenity flipped the page and was surprised to see only one line.

“Look at the other page.” Serenity snorted and transferred her gaze to the blank sheet of parchment. After a second she noticed it looked as if the page was rippling like open water in a windstorm, until a picture had formed of a big mountain, identical to the one right in front of her. Right down to the snow on top. Or rather right up to the snow on top. She snorted again at her weak joke.

“An enchanted book…” she mused, stroking the binding, after a few moments. Coming back to reality she realized she had to go over the mountain. The picture suddenly changed to ruins of an old castle in the valley beside the mountain. Serenity looked around curiously and her eyes widened when she saw the old castle right by the mountain. She switched her gaze between the book and the castle quite a few times before just accepting the fact that it was that easy.

With a shrug she walked over to the abandoned castle.



The handsome prince sighed as he stared up at the ceiling of his cold, cold cell. When would his princess come? He’d been here so long he’d lost count of the days, though he guessed it was around three. After about half an hour of contemplating just why feet were shaped like they were, he managed to occupy himself, like he had done hundreds of times already, by thinking about what his Lady would look like.

For some reason he always pictured her with a frog on her shoulder, like some smooth-skinned, slightly slimy sentinel who looked after his Princess with undying loyalty. It was strange. Still she was beautiful, despite the bright green frog, she had long silky, ink-black hair and dark blue eyes that were both spitting mad and heavily irritated. Quite the irascible creature, his princess was he decided. She would have an irritated expression on her face and have her hands on her hips, tapping her foot impatiently. Her dress would be an elegant deep green (still simple though, after all his Princess was not given to frivolities) with a square necked bodice and once she caught sight of him she would say something loving and brave… His thought process screeched to a halt.

What would she say? It’d be heroic and wonderful, and he would instantly fall in love with her at the sound of her dulcet tones. All of the sudden, he had it. It was noble and lovely, and absolutely soaked with adoration and warmth. She would say-

“Wake up you idiot, I don’t have all day!” The prince was confused, to say in the least, unable to figure out what had just come out of his beautiful princess’s mouth. He blinked and then realization hit like a rather forcible ton of bricks; she was here, right now!

“My princess!” he ran up to the bars of the dungeon, wrapping his tastefully ring-clad fingers around the cold iron bars, “You’ve finally come!”

“Yeah, yeah, just hurry up and let’s go.”

“Do you have any keys?” she stared at him uncomprehendingly and her frog croaked something that sounded suspiciously like a long stream of profanities of some kind.

“What?” Oh how different his Princess’s tone was! Now nothing more than a deadly, low hiss.

“Keys Princess, keys!” A rather shrill, frustrated scream echoed all over the moldy dungeons at this.

“I just wrangled a stupid dragon for nothing?!” she turned on her heel before striding away ranting to her frog, “Columbus I am through, Father can just get over the fact I’m single and will probably always be that way. I mean honestly, what does he expect me to even do? Just marry some stupid, idiotic stranger who got his stupid, idiotic self locked away in some lowest dungeon of some abandoned castle in a valley guarded by a mean dragon, that I have to slay? What do I look like? A godforsaken rescue dog? Well I, Princess Serenity of Lorin Castle will not stand for this. I’m going to …” The prince wailed into the encroaching damp darkness.

“No come back Princess! I’ve been in here for days, save meeeee!” The last echoes of her angry voice faded, leaving the handsome prince locked in the lowest dungeon of the lowest castle in the lowest valley. Again.